I put out a question in a Facebook mom group.
“I’m curious mommas, what is something you feel like you needed as a mom to little ones that you didn’t get? And I don’t mean material things. Sometimes it’s so hard to ask for help because we’re not even sure what we need.”
I received a great deal of responses back so here are some of the top ones. I pray this post helps you ask for what you need and helps other mommas feel supported. Spouses and family, please listen up! Feeling like you are all on your own in this new motherhood thing feels so hard. A new baby is joyous but also can be overwhelming for many. First-time moms need our support. Every mom wants to feel like a good mother. We can’t be our best if we’re doing the hard work if we’re feeling exhausted and drained.
This post is not about a list of postpartum essentials like nipple cream, a breast pump, ice packs, witch hazel, peri bottle, etc. You may very well need those things. But this post is about the support network and emotional health needs. This is the deeper level that is often neglected in the days postpartum and in the hard toddler years that follow. These are big things as far as importance but not too big to make happen if we learn to ask for help.
I will share the responses followed by my comments. Names have been abbreviated to protect privacy.
Sleep!!!
“A solid 8+ hour sleep”
AG
“Someone to let me sleep when the baby was sleeping and to check on baby while I was constantly scared he was going to stop breathing if I slept too deep.”
MS
Ugg sleep as a new momma. It’s so hard! For me, it’s been hard for over two years as our toddler is still feeding through the night. We’re working on that.
When we’re tired we cannot stay calm and present and be the moms we want to be. 8 solid hours may not be a realistic goal depending on your feelings about sleep training and your child and what is developmentally appropriate. But we can ask for help and try to get as much rest as we can.
Maybe you’ve heard the advice that sounds logical on the surface “Sleep when baby sleeps” but as many moms will come to find that just doesn’t often work. We can however use resources like a sound machine which can help us and the baby sleep better. We can get help with other things that we’re tempted to do when we could be sleeping like washing dishes or cleaning. And we can get help with our hormones and postpartum issues so we can rest easier.
Time To Just Be
“Time to just veg out and not think. I hate asking for help from anyone but my husband for me to have a “nothing” break. It feels lazy but man does it feel so good to just lay on the couch and scroll or close my eyes for even 10 minutes after being “on” all day”
LR
“My husband to take all the kids on a car ride so I can have the house to myself for a minute.”
HS
We are so needed as new moms and we love our new precious little ones so much and want to be with them but we desperately and I mean desperately need breaks to just be a person. It can make us feel like we are being lazy to have a quiet break but it’s so needed. Quiet time is crucial.
Even taking a shower and letting the hot water run over our heads can feel like a luxury but breathing room is crucial to keeping our moods up. It’s amazing how a little veg-out time can fill us with renewed hope when we truly need it.
Company
“I would love more company at my home rather than having to go to other’s houses to visit. Even if it’s them coming to hang out with my son and keep him busy while I clean. That would be nice.”
SS
“Company.”
BS
“Friends to come visit. And not the “let’s meet at a separate location and do something” visitors, I mean someone who comes to my house to hang out and chat and play with my child so I don’t have to coordinate getting both of us somewhere.”
SK
“I need a whole village! Honestly, we get along fine by ourselves but we don’t live very close to my family and my fiancés family does their own thing. my son isn’t really used to my family either. we see them of course but not often enough to be comfortable with them. just would be sooo nice to have them around him more & my newborn when he’s born. idk. just gonna have to work harder on that I guess”
KY
This one is a fine line. Sometimes we feel lonely and want company other times we want to be left alone in peace so you have to ask each mom when she would like to have you over. I remember family wanting to come over early after our daughter was born and I was not at all ready.
But we do need company and support so much!
I believe we need an in-person community but a social media community can help especially if that is all we have. Online mom groups can help answer questions for new mothers and make you feel less alone too.
You may find yourself needing a new circle of friends or at least one new mom friend to help you on this journey. Even more important if you are a single mom or even a mom that feels like a single mom. Becoming a mother puts you in this whole new group of people that you can relate to all of the world and all through history which is so amazing the camaraderie. But it can also be so lonely.
Cleaning and Meals
“Help cleaning or watching kids so I can cook. Or any type of check-in. I feel like no one sees the crazy heavy emotional burden of caring for really little kids.”
DW
“Someone to come over and watch the baby so I can nap for an hour or two or just come by and lend me a hand with cleaning up. My MIL came to visit us a few times and she came by while my husband and I were at work and surprised us by completely cleaning the house (like deep cleaned) and had dinner ready for all of us. I came home and cried. ”
JL
“Definitely someone to help clean up and help with meals.”
NV
Whew, I would cry too! Having help with the housework would have been a game changer for me as I am quite type A and want things clean. Trying to rest with the baby when you’re staring at that laundry pile is just not very relaxing.
Having help with meals is so nice too. My mom did that for us and not having to cook a lot was really helpful. New moms need healthy food to feel nourished and recover well. This is especially helpful during the postpartum period. Getting help with a shopping list for the grocery store is also so valuable. If you live in an area where you can use a grocery delivery service or even order online and pick up now is the time to use it.
Mental and Physical Health
“A gym membership and time to go workout every day. Eventually coordinated care for my baby so I could do that and it has helped my mental (and physical) health so much”
EF
“Hormone medication. Got progesterone recently from my Dr and it’s been a game changer. Postpartum is a hormone roller coaster.”
RC
“Honestly? The ability to keep my emotions in check. Especially anger or irritation.”
BD
Whew, the physical and emotional toll on your body as a new mom is unreal. Make sure you get the green light from your postpartum care team before exercising but movement can make you feel so much better. And when we’re all up in the baby care we cannot take the actions to care for ourselves without help. Giving moms this help and support is so important. Little things can go a long way in helping us feel better. 10 minutes of fresh area, a 5-minute stretch, and some deep breathing.
Also, check out Practical Self-Care for Busy Moms
Encouragement and Affection
“Encouragement 100%!! I spend so much time feeling like I’m failing…”
JB
“Non-sexual touch”
KM
Affection and encouragement are so important. Mom guilt is a super real thing. We can feel like we are doing nothing right and like our children will be permanently damaged by us. It can feel like you are drowning. New parents need encouragement but so do seasoned parents. Let’s get real there are different seasons but it’s never easy.
All Of It
“Sleep, encouragement, companionship, nourishing food… lol the essentials.”
MM
“More help, support, space to breathe, do a hobby once a week, sleep more than 2 hours in the first year.”
BA
Love on the mommas in your life. Especially the new ones and the ones in the toddler phase. It’s oh so hard.
Which one do you resonate with the most? What advice would you give?
There are lots of different ways to support a busy mom and you just never know how good it can make her feel. Be careful about unsolicited advice as moms are overwhelmed enough sorting through all the opinions and information out there.
One of the best pieces of advice I got when our daughter was still in my belly was from my best friend. She advised that I listen to my own instincts as a mom. I mentioned there is so much information out there and she reminded me that God created me to be our daughter’s mom. There is so much advice out there and we have to take it all with a grain of salt. Some are helpful. Some are not. And some can be just downright harmful to our emotional and physical health.
Let’s give moms a safe place to be and turn an ordinary hard day into a special day for her.
And let us not forget that when we don’t feel like we have anyone else we have our Creator. He made us mothers of these children for a purpose.
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Psalm 127:3
You may also want to check out How To Recover from A Bad Mom Day
The early days can be so challenging. Find the best ways to care for yourself and your baby and the older kids if you have them. Remember recovery is a little bit at a time. This is your own life.
Every family unit is unique.
When we feel stuck we can ask our Creator and Heavenly Father to help us with this colossal job of motherhood.
Is there anything you would add to this list? Let us know in the comments.
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